the longer i'm on hormones, the less likely i am to have trouble with being misread - or even noticed - by people, which makes travelling a lot less stressful in many ways (the 'passing privilege' i mentioned in my previous post). however, at the moment and for the foreseeable future, i am not able to get my passport changed to show an M rather then an F in the 'sex' category. this is because the passport people need to see and altered birth certificate, and to get your birth certificate altered in victoria, technically you need to have an hysterectomy as part of your transition (obvs this is for trans guys). some people are able to get through with top surgery, but the state wants it to be sterilisation.
and so travelling is still a bit of a stress. my tickets are booked under 'mr', i generally get read as a guy, my passport says 'f', but it also uses my old name as my second name (which i'm going to post about at some point in the future - the benefits/issues of doing this). it's becoming increasingly ridiculous that i have to travel on a female passport, and it annoys me. even with the new 'relaxed' regulations, i can't change it permanently without getting sterilised. the sterilisation personally doesn't bother me, but i resent that i have to do it, when really i'd just be happy (heh) spending however many thousands on top surgery and not spending more on more surgery.
i know i talk about this a lot, and i know i keep repeating myself, but if you get sick of hearing about it think about how sick i get of living with it.
*
in totally unrelated things, dudewatchin' with the brontes is one of the lol-est things i've seen all day. ALSO, the harry potter film was much more fun than i expected. also, also, DB and i have been together for 7 years today!!!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
AFRAID OR ASHAMED OR OVERLY ANXIOUS?
recently i went to get some myotherapy on my legs. it worked wonders. i had 2 sessions of slightly painful massage, and got a bunch of needles stuck in my legs. the myotherapist even let me watch as she tapped the needles in. they made my feet twitch, which was pretty cool. about 3 days after the first session, after my legs stopped being painful to the touch, i noticed that my muscles were much more relaxed, and i wasn't getting the burning sensation of shin splints coming on when i walked up the hill in my work shoes. in the second session, the myotherapist was extremely pleased with how my muscles had taken to the treatment, and said i didn't need to come back again. i will probably go and visit either just before or just after our trip in september.
the day before i had the first treatment, i realised i was very anxious about going, and about trans/body stuff. i sat down and worked through this anxiety, and i noticed that much of it was coming from this fear: "i will be outed as trans, and this will effect my treatment". this is a very real fear for trans people. however, when i sat down and thought about it, in this particular circumstance, i believed i was being over-anxious. i am a regular at the chiropractic service where the myotherapist works, and have been since prior to identifying as trans. the chiropractor knows my history, and i feel that it is a fairly safe space for me. i did not think the myotherapist would be an arsehole or discriminate in a transphobic way.
my anxiety, then, transferred to being more about the possibility being "outed" as "really a woman", and being treated as such. for me, this is less about transphobia and more about cissexism (it's cluelessness and assumption, rather than willful ignorance, hate, bigotry). it is harder to track, because it lies in things like tone of voice, the small-talk questions you are asked, the way a person interacts physically with you, the language they use to you and about you. it lies in people reading my own verbal language, voice, body language, discussions of my life not as 'somewhat effeminate queer guy' but 'odd but probably straight girl'. i sometimes tie myself in knots and tangle up my brain, trying to chart where a conversation might go - it's like playing chess with gender cues. "if i say [X] and this person does [Y], then i will probably have to act like [Z] in order for them to think [A]. but they won't say [A], so i will have to decide if they are thinking it by looking at how they do [B]" and on and on and on. the thought of negotiating this at the myotherapy session was making me anxious.
but then it struck me that i - personally, and in this situation - could actually say, "i'm trans" if i felt the need. this has worked for me in the past, talking to people who found some 'discrepancy' in my paperwork and/or appearance (once even at an airport). in this situation i was not afraid that i would be discriminated against or that i would be treated poorly. and i am not, nor do i want to act as though i am, ashamed of being transgender. i am not 'stealth' (whatever that means), except for when i kind of am, because i often have 'passing' (whatever that means) privilege these days. so being out/outed as trans was not something i was particularly worried about, when it came down to it. being treated as a woman was something i could challenge by outing myself as trans, and that in itself was a non-issue to me. i felt that, in a strange way, i had been internalising transphobia. it was such a relief to think, "actually, so what if she notices i have big hips and tiny feet? so what if she asks me to take off my shorts?" i'm trans. that's what i am, and other people have to get used to it and deal with it.
sometimes i think i should actually ask various practitioners about when/if they noticed i was trans. because even if i was otherwise read as a guy, inevitably people ask me about my phd, and i'm probably outed by the subject matter.
i really want to emphasise that i'm not saying "stealth = shame!" or "what are you all worried about!" . . . this was a specific situation in a specific environment. i felt supported by other practitioners there, and the treatment i was seeking did not involve any particularly gendered/sexed part of my body. there are various other privileges at play, too, like the fact i have enough money to spend on this treatment, and if they don't treat me properly i will take my money somewhere else and might make complaint to the powers that be. although i linked queen emily's post, this is a completely different situation.
the day before i had the first treatment, i realised i was very anxious about going, and about trans/body stuff. i sat down and worked through this anxiety, and i noticed that much of it was coming from this fear: "i will be outed as trans, and this will effect my treatment". this is a very real fear for trans people. however, when i sat down and thought about it, in this particular circumstance, i believed i was being over-anxious. i am a regular at the chiropractic service where the myotherapist works, and have been since prior to identifying as trans. the chiropractor knows my history, and i feel that it is a fairly safe space for me. i did not think the myotherapist would be an arsehole or discriminate in a transphobic way.
my anxiety, then, transferred to being more about the possibility being "outed" as "really a woman", and being treated as such. for me, this is less about transphobia and more about cissexism (it's cluelessness and assumption, rather than willful ignorance, hate, bigotry). it is harder to track, because it lies in things like tone of voice, the small-talk questions you are asked, the way a person interacts physically with you, the language they use to you and about you. it lies in people reading my own verbal language, voice, body language, discussions of my life not as 'somewhat effeminate queer guy' but 'odd but probably straight girl'. i sometimes tie myself in knots and tangle up my brain, trying to chart where a conversation might go - it's like playing chess with gender cues. "if i say [X] and this person does [Y], then i will probably have to act like [Z] in order for them to think [A]. but they won't say [A], so i will have to decide if they are thinking it by looking at how they do [B]" and on and on and on. the thought of negotiating this at the myotherapy session was making me anxious.
but then it struck me that i - personally, and in this situation - could actually say, "i'm trans" if i felt the need. this has worked for me in the past, talking to people who found some 'discrepancy' in my paperwork and/or appearance (once even at an airport). in this situation i was not afraid that i would be discriminated against or that i would be treated poorly. and i am not, nor do i want to act as though i am, ashamed of being transgender. i am not 'stealth' (whatever that means), except for when i kind of am, because i often have 'passing' (whatever that means) privilege these days. so being out/outed as trans was not something i was particularly worried about, when it came down to it. being treated as a woman was something i could challenge by outing myself as trans, and that in itself was a non-issue to me. i felt that, in a strange way, i had been internalising transphobia. it was such a relief to think, "actually, so what if she notices i have big hips and tiny feet? so what if she asks me to take off my shorts?" i'm trans. that's what i am, and other people have to get used to it and deal with it.
sometimes i think i should actually ask various practitioners about when/if they noticed i was trans. because even if i was otherwise read as a guy, inevitably people ask me about my phd, and i'm probably outed by the subject matter.
i really want to emphasise that i'm not saying "stealth = shame!" or "what are you all worried about!" . . . this was a specific situation in a specific environment. i felt supported by other practitioners there, and the treatment i was seeking did not involve any particularly gendered/sexed part of my body. there are various other privileges at play, too, like the fact i have enough money to spend on this treatment, and if they don't treat me properly i will take my money somewhere else and might make complaint to the powers that be. although i linked queen emily's post, this is a completely different situation.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
ON AT THE MOMENT
there is something I need to tell you, an exhibition by janice appleton, currently on at gasworks. i went to the exhibition opening tonight, and it was lovely to see people, although i did not stay for very long. also, i didn't get a chance to actually look at much of the art, as the place was so packed!
*
why yes, i'm basically posting to get the last entry off the top of the page. it keeps poking me in the eye/guts every time i accidentally navigate to this blog!
*
why yes, i'm basically posting to get the last entry off the top of the page. it keeps poking me in the eye/guts every time i accidentally navigate to this blog!
Friday, July 03, 2009
DON'T EVEN BOTHER TRYING, IT WILL ALWAYS END UP LIKE THIS
[possibly triggering]
toes curled up, legs straight, arms like steel bands across chest because you managed to forget for a moment that you can't ever be physically intimate without feeling sick, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to get out of your head and the loop of thoughts that rip and tear and punch and strangle and beat and scream and cut you down. you managed to feel wanted and warm, desiring and loved, and you forgot that it never fucking lasts.
maybe it's not all the time, but it's often enough that you've taught yourself to not even bother, it will always end up like this: unable to even cry until there's a word or soft lips or a hand stroking your hair and then it's these sobs dragged up from all over your body, ripped up from just below the skin where everything, everything is wrong.
toes curled up, legs straight, arms like steel bands across chest because you managed to forget for a moment that you can't ever be physically intimate without feeling sick, unable to breathe, unable to move, unable to speak, unable to get out of your head and the loop of thoughts that rip and tear and punch and strangle and beat and scream and cut you down. you managed to feel wanted and warm, desiring and loved, and you forgot that it never fucking lasts.
maybe it's not all the time, but it's often enough that you've taught yourself to not even bother, it will always end up like this: unable to even cry until there's a word or soft lips or a hand stroking your hair and then it's these sobs dragged up from all over your body, ripped up from just below the skin where everything, everything is wrong.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
BI BI
occasionally it just really HITS ME that bisexual people are completely, completely ignored when the mainstream press starts talking about "gay and lesbian" issues. i don't identify as bisexual (i identify as queer), and i feel like my gender is the cause of more discrimination than my sexuality, but still . . . NOTHING. anyway, a couple of links for australians:
AHRC Responds to ACE Galaxy Poll
Gay couples 'need federal protection'
i don't really have much to say, because i'm too tired.
i hope you're all well!
AHRC Responds to ACE Galaxy Poll
Gay couples 'need federal protection'
i don't really have much to say, because i'm too tired.
i hope you're all well!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
WORKSHOP FOR PARTNERS/LOVERS
A Workshop for Partners/Lovers of Sex and Gender Diverse People
Are you interested in discussing some of the issues that can arise for partners/lovers of sex and gender diverse people?
The Zoe Belle Gender Centre is running a workshop specifically for people who are or have been partners/lovers of sex and gender diverse people (people who are transgender, intersex, questioning their gender, etc.). People of all genders are welcome to attend. You don't need to be in a relationship with a sex and gender diverse person.
Facilitated by psychologist Vikki Sinnott, this workshop will allow you to raise issues in a safe and supportive space. Some of the issues you might wish to discuss include:
Vikki Sinnott is a psychologist whose experience and interest includes gender identity and sexuality issues. She has provided individual therapy to sex and gender diverse adults and young people, and to their partners/significant others and families. She has also facilitated a number of one-off and on-going discussion groups for partners of sex and gender diverse people, both in Victoria and NSW.
Zoe Belle Gender Centre acknowledges the support of {also}
Are you interested in discussing some of the issues that can arise for partners/lovers of sex and gender diverse people?
The Zoe Belle Gender Centre is running a workshop specifically for people who are or have been partners/lovers of sex and gender diverse people (people who are transgender, intersex, questioning their gender, etc.). People of all genders are welcome to attend. You don't need to be in a relationship with a sex and gender diverse person.
Facilitated by psychologist Vikki Sinnott, this workshop will allow you to raise issues in a safe and supportive space. Some of the issues you might wish to discuss include:
* reactions: there are many different ways that people become aware of their partner's/lover's gender identity and many different responses to this knowledge
* sex and sexual identity: how might sexual dynamics change within a relationship? Partners/lovers can also question and explore their sexual identity
* getting support: partners/lovers of sex and gender diverse people may have particular needs that are not easily met. Where and how can they get support?
Vikki Sinnott is a psychologist whose experience and interest includes gender identity and sexuality issues. She has provided individual therapy to sex and gender diverse adults and young people, and to their partners/significant others and families. She has also facilitated a number of one-off and on-going discussion groups for partners of sex and gender diverse people, both in Victoria and NSW.
WHEN: Sunday 9 August, 3pm-5pm
WHERE: Meeting Room, Zoe Belle Gender Centre
City Village, Level 8, 225 Bourke St, City
COST: FREE
BOOKINGS/ENQUIRIES: email contact[at]gendercentre[dot]com; phone (03) 9660 3990. Please book by Wednesday 5 August
Zoe Belle Gender Centre acknowledges the support of {also}
Monday, June 29, 2009
WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO
i saw this piece of graffiti last week. big, black, lowercase letters on a cream wall. it said:
it doesn't matter!
and then, in smaller, gold letters, someone had replied:
yes it does.
every day since then i've thought of that wall, and had that very dialogue with myself about something or another. the first option offers freedom / the second offers hope. the first is apathetic / the second is stifled. the first describes the big picture / the second describes the details. (or vice versa.) the first statement should be amended with "enough" or "to me" / the second statement with "to someone" or "sometimes".
it's stuck in my brain like some kind of philosophical/political earworm!
and then, in smaller, gold letters, someone had replied:
every day since then i've thought of that wall, and had that very dialogue with myself about something or another. the first option offers freedom / the second offers hope. the first is apathetic / the second is stifled. the first describes the big picture / the second describes the details. (or vice versa.) the first statement should be amended with "enough" or "to me" / the second statement with "to someone" or "sometimes".
it's stuck in my brain like some kind of philosophical/political earworm!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
THE THINGS YOU LEARN
I have a link to XX Boys in the sidebar, because I know that being able to see images of trans guys of all kinds when I was just starting out was incredibly inspiring. However, I just learnt that the Kael T. Block isto put it bluntly, a rapist [ETA: I have no idea what the current sitch is with this]. So I am wondering whether I should take the link down. After all, the site is a bit of a money-making venture at this point, and I know that I personally never visit it any more.
The Successful TransMen page is another one I'm not so comfortable with. I'm very much at a stage where I feel like a bunch of pictures of trans guys is not saying anything much or doing anything helpful (and I feel that way about a lot of trans-related media). Then again, I know that for some guys it's really important to see other trans guys and to know that they are not alone (because fuck, if you don't know where to look it's difficult to find affirming images).
In fact there are a few links I never visit or don't agree with (hello FTMA/MTRA). Maybe it's time to do some housekeeping.
The Successful TransMen page is another one I'm not so comfortable with. I'm very much at a stage where I feel like a bunch of pictures of trans guys is not saying anything much or doing anything helpful (and I feel that way about a lot of trans-related media). Then again, I know that for some guys it's really important to see other trans guys and to know that they are not alone (because fuck, if you don't know where to look it's difficult to find affirming images).
In fact there are a few links I never visit or don't agree with (hello FTMA/MTRA). Maybe it's time to do some housekeeping.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
OH MY, MYOTHERAPY!
i'm going to get a massage . . . EEK! my podiatrist mentioned that i should get some kind of remedial massage on my lower legs to help repair muscle flexibility or something after having shin splints earlier this year, and also in order to reduce the risk of future injury. today i noticed that a myotherapist and a remedial masseur (masseuse? massagerer?) also work in the same building as my chiropractor, so i talked to my chiropractor about it. she winced and said, "myotherapist, and it's going to be extremely painful!" so i am going in on thursday for this treatment. i really hope the myotherapist doesn't want me to get naked - after all, it's just my legs that i want worked on for the moment.
it feels slightly wasteful/indulgent getting all of these body treatments, but i'm fortunate that a lot of it is covered by my extras health insurance (which i got when i was a teenager for my orthodontic work and never stopped paying). and also, hey, i only have the one body, so i might as well look after it as best i can with the money i have. i'm actually really looking forward to getting some pro massage - and i'm sure db will be happy that i'm not making him do it!
it feels slightly wasteful/indulgent getting all of these body treatments, but i'm fortunate that a lot of it is covered by my extras health insurance (which i got when i was a teenager for my orthodontic work and never stopped paying). and also, hey, i only have the one body, so i might as well look after it as best i can with the money i have. i'm actually really looking forward to getting some pro massage - and i'm sure db will be happy that i'm not making him do it!
Monday, June 22, 2009
OOH, OOH, OOH, HONEY
this morning i got my clippers out and shaved. well, 'shaved', i guess. i don't use a razor, because i found that it irritated my skin and made me get more pimples - contrary to what the video i posted yesterday might tell you! i'm pretty excited by the appearance of sidies, and it's fun that lots of people have pointed them out. it's also fun that i have rough stubble on the left side of my jaw particularly, and i keep rubbing it, like i used to rub my head when i'd freshly clippered it. what else is fun? hairy legs. looking down and going "wow" because they are really, really hairy. someone making a comment about my hairy belly the other day when i stretched and my top rode up. someone else looking at my chest and saying, "oh, yeah, it is spreading" about the hair there.
i'm growing all this hair! and it struck me today how extraordinarily, unbelievably different it is to growing hair when i was a teenager. each dark hair seems to affirm my sense of identity, feels like something to celebrate. when i was a teenager, each new hair made me feel sick with shame, and was something that i had to hide, pluck, cut. how different it is to feel like my body is slowly but surely becoming something more wonderful, to feel excited about the transformation, to feel comfortable with it. last time round it felt like something of a betrayal, made me feel awkward, self-conscious, ashamed, frustrated. this time it feels good, and it makes me happy.
this realisation makes me wonder how other people (maybe trans, maybe not) felt as teenagers? it's so odd and foreign to me, to be happy about these changes. until now i've never been able to conceptualise how puberty/adolescence might not be a totally traumatic and horrible thing to go through. i mean, i've never been able to understand before that despite all the teenage angst it might actually be possible for some people to enjoy growing pubic hair/getting their period/growing breasts. like . . . well, yeah. an affirmation, not a betrayal.
i'm growing all this hair! and it struck me today how extraordinarily, unbelievably different it is to growing hair when i was a teenager. each dark hair seems to affirm my sense of identity, feels like something to celebrate. when i was a teenager, each new hair made me feel sick with shame, and was something that i had to hide, pluck, cut. how different it is to feel like my body is slowly but surely becoming something more wonderful, to feel excited about the transformation, to feel comfortable with it. last time round it felt like something of a betrayal, made me feel awkward, self-conscious, ashamed, frustrated. this time it feels good, and it makes me happy.
this realisation makes me wonder how other people (maybe trans, maybe not) felt as teenagers? it's so odd and foreign to me, to be happy about these changes. until now i've never been able to conceptualise how puberty/adolescence might not be a totally traumatic and horrible thing to go through. i mean, i've never been able to understand before that despite all the teenage angst it might actually be possible for some people to enjoy growing pubic hair/getting their period/growing breasts. like . . . well, yeah. an affirmation, not a betrayal.
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